I have had harsh things to say about L. Ron Hubbard in the past, but I was perhaps too quick to judge. So what if he made up a bunch of dreadful space opera sci-fi, slapped the title “religion” on it, and profited from the gullibility and desperation of society’s less bright individuals? He was a canny businessman, and that appeals to the thrifty Scot in me.

However, Scientology has always had a limited appeal in Scotland, perhaps because our smaller population must by necessity have a smaller pool of people with IQs below 70 for them to draw upon. But my own feeling is that the American-style, new-age language used by the Scientology movement sits ill with the dour Scot on the number thirty-one omnibus. What is needed, therefore, is localisation.

I am aware that the Church of Scientology is fiercely protective of their name and materials: any money-driven organisation needs to protect their IP, no matter how pernicious or fictitious that is.

It is therefore with great pride and a hungry desire for profits that I announce the foundation of the “Kirk of Physicsology”. Our uniquely Scottish approach promises you that you can become a super-powered Operating McThetan, but that you probably won’t because you don’t deserve it.

We will teach that originally everyone had the awesome mental abilities that we offer, but that Margaret Thatcher had them shut down in the 80s. And that they were invented by a Scot, just like steam engines, televisions and dragons, but that the bastarding English went and stole them from us.

Our auditing procedure for assessing the readiness to ascend to new levels will consist of aggressive demands as to “why you think you’re so bloody special? What makes you better than anyone else?” with assessments reading “Honestly, who does she think she is, anyway? Ah kent hur faither.”

Eventually, neophytes will be told that they are cleared, and that they now have powers equivalent even to Tam “Wee Man” Cruise. However, they will be warned immediately that should they use them then they’ll doubtless pay for it later.

Like the scientologists, the Kirk of Physicsology hopes to make some high-profile recruitments in media and films. I can reveal that we are in talks with the Krankies, and that we have high hopes to snag one of the Jimmy Shand ensemble in the near future. On the promise of influence in the industry and easy access to funding for bad films, the entire cast of Take the High Road signed up some time ago.