Dennis, in my office, is American. No doubt a representative of the CIA given to compiling reports on our commercial secrets for the Langley Hivemind, he occasionally takes breaks from snooping around the subject of petroleum-bearing geology in the Forth basin to bedazzle us with his glamourous foreign ways and his quaint, colonial spellings of "colour" and "valour".
Today, he announced that in the run-up to the World Cup, and after several years in Scotland, he was going to take up "soccer" as a hobby. Who, he asked, was a good team to support (preferably, he noted, a London one who wins a lot of stuff)? He suggested West Ham (thus betraying an ignorance of the game that will serve him well as a Manchester united Fan), Arsenal or Spurs. Apparently Chelsea are out for this Reagan Democrat due to the Russian links.
Arsenal or Spurs? To translate for the US audience, that is the equivalent of saying "Mets or Yankees?" It's like "Celtic or Rangers" or "Inter or AC Milan". Like physicists say (shuffling awkwardly) when you ask what was around before the big bang: it is not a meaningful question. If you don't have an opinion already you can't just pluck one out of the air post facto. And saying that Scottish clubs are out of the running because they're useless may be painfully accurate, but still unpopular for a man in Edinburgh. not a sign that he intends to become a season-ticket holder.
I suspect that if he picks a team, and they get demoted, then he'll change. I don't think, to be fair, that he'd deny that for a second.
Do I support Greenock Morton because of our glorious tournament history (never won the top division, Scottish Cup Winners once, 60 years ago, first round exit to Chelsea in European Fairs Cup 1968)? No. I was landed with them and that's that. A few miles south and I'd have been a St Mirren fan, which is far worse, so at least I can be grateful for small mercies. I don't complain, I just knuckle down to rainy Saturday afternoons in the cowshed shouting abuse at our centre-back pairings and preparing myself for the inevitable end-of-season collapse.
It's quite simple. As Frank Skinner said, if you want to know what football team to support, you need a map of where you were born and a ruler. Closer inspection reveals that Dennis (born in New Jersey) is blessed with a choice between Yeovil Town, Swansea, Stranraer and Plymouth Argyle. That's plenty of leeway. Take your pic.
As another colleague, Jaime* (Notts Forest, man and boy) said: "Essentially, you get what you're given, not the one with the best synergy with your personal values..."
Edit: Latest Update... Dennis has been prevailed upon to take a speculative punt on perennial under-achievers Newcastle United. He says he will "see how they do in the first couple of games, then decide". I am not certain that he quite gets it, yet. If he ever let slip to the Toon Army that he was supporting them on a probationary basis, the very best he could expect would be ridicule. In the meantime, we are training him up on insulting yet amusing chants casting aspersions on the parentage, cleanliness and pharmaceutical leanings of Maccas and Smog Monsters (supporters of neighbours Sunderland and Middlesborough).
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*On discovering that I get 750 unique visitors a week, Jaime would like to offer his sofa for sale. Apparently, it's "red, and I don't like it very much. The wife liked it and I buckled". So perhaps it would suit the single lady. Any reasonable offers, will deliver.