Zombie Pirate Ninja Monkey

David Icke is Madder Than Ever

Yes, David Icke is madder than ever.

I know that it is a tricky one to call: after all, in 1991 he was predicting that the Isle of Man would be swallowed by the ocean by the mid-90s, that turquoise was the holy colour, and that he was, not to put too fine a point on it, the son of God.

For non-British people, David Icke was a major sports commentator and ex-footballer in the 1980's.  He was famously rude, but suddenly became famously nice and joined the Green Party, who made him their public face, much to their eternal embarassment.  Which is a shame, because they rather suited each other.  Imagine that John Madden suddenly announced that he was "channelling the Christ spirit", and was going to Nantucket with two wives to found a commune.

I had wondered if he was still going, and had taken a quick googlewalk through linked sites.  I first went to his own site, but it was so mad, and so filled with cheap photoshoppery, that I looked elsewhere.  I had forgotten, of course, that Icke is as mad as two badgers fighting in a sack.  And it turns out that photoshopped pictures are his new stock-in-trade.

I had thought that he was less mad.  I remember him stating in the late 90s that he'd been a bit mad before, but now he was fine and that stuff about the Isle of Man was all a bit embarassing now.  I had always suspected that his initial lunacy was linked to a change in medication for his post-professional-footballer's chronic pain, so I simply thought "extended psychotic episode, he's better now."  Ooooh, no.  he just wasn't mad enough to believe that the Isle of Man had been swallowed by the ocean without being noticed, and had found a new way to rationalise it.

Anyway, his current beliefs include (but are by no means limited to):

• The world is ruled by a reptilian race of manipulators, who want to set up a fascist government for the whole world.
• The reptiles include the Rothschilds, the British royal family, the Bush family...erm, Kris Kristofferson and, umm.. Boxcar Willie.  Really.  How deep does this rabbit-hole go?
• Speaking of which, David watched the Matrix and, not having been innoculated by previous exposure to French post-structuralism, thought it was real (509 pages.  Ouch.  Even Baudrillard only needed a couple of hundred.)
• The Jesuits shot Lincoln, and will elect a black Pope in 2008
• The Illuminatii control space.  Not sure how much.  It would seem to be more useful to control planets, but at least space is the ultimate Lebensraum.
• Oh yeah, they also funded Hitler.
• David thinks that the infamous fake, Protocols of The Elders of Zion, is real.  However, he claims not to be anti-Semitic, because they're not Jews, they're reptiles.  Nice get-out.
• Radio waves from mobile phones are being used to control our minds (uhhh.. tin foil hat, please!) and fluoride and aspartame are "excitotoxins", used to lower our brain functionality and make us amenable to being mind-controlled.

Obviously, there are one or two issues here.  For instance, if the world we perceive is an artificial construct fed to us to keep us quiet, why are the reptilian race trying to conquer it?  Why not feed us a version without them, so that those so super-smart as Icke couldn't suspect their existence.  Come to that, why do they feed us a version which has Icke in it?  Maybe Icke is Neo!

David is also a great humourist.

Icke lives in a nightmare version of the world where the aliens from V have joined forces with the conspirators from the Da Vinci Code and machines from The Matrix to oppress us.  He really should visit the cinema less.  I am not looking forward to the day when he gets round to seeing Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

You really should visit his site.  It has all the usual new age loony stuff: adverts for "how to turn water into hydration" particularly appealed to me (presumably you pay up and get the answer back "drink it").

But don't trust me: I am packed full of aspartame from a Diet Coke, my mobile phone interrupted me writing this very sentence (true.. they see everything!) and I still have minty-fresth breath from my fluoride toothpaste.  So let's leave the last word to Mr Icke:

"We also see how NASA's Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasedena was set-up by Jack Parsons - a rocket engineer who was a disciple of Aleister Crowley. From the late 1940s onwards, an unholy alliance of O.T.O devotees, NAZIs and senior 33rd degree Freemasons dupe the American taxpayer of billions of dollars and fake several moon missions in order to further their work on secret 'black budget' operations - a series of secret space programmes designing space vehicles and weapons systems to thwart attacks by alien craft... For the first time on film we see the 'Baby Shuttle' - a small space shuttle which fits inside the payload of the existing space shuttle and is then released into outer space for covert operations."