posted on Wednesday, July 26, 2006 2:18 AM by Endie

This Is Probably The Greatest Scots Joke In The World

Probably the best Scottish joke I have ever heard:

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Eric (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, it’s a long weekend fur me.'

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Eric shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front, "Yes, Jeremy."
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -his inauguration speech in 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Eric is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Eric's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know, I know.
Me Miss, me Miss."Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Eric is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Eric's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert." Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):
"Yes miss. That was Neil Armstrong. 1969. The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Eric loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur f*cks sake, WHERE did all these English B*STARDS come from?"
Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Eric grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk , July 1298. See you on Tuesday!

Comments

# re: This Is Probably The Greatest Scots Joke In The World

Thursday, July 27, 2006 1:24 PM by MightyCornholio
Can I counter you with the following?

Man: I'm from Poole
Interviewer: In Dorset?
Man: Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.

Or maybe:

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.
There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day.

One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

# re: This Is Probably The Greatest Scots Joke In The World

Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:34 PM by Endie
That second one appeals to me immensely. Of course, the best reactiopn I've had so far in telling it is "ooooh dear...". But it might be my retelling. These people are philistines, anyway.