Zombie Pirate Ninja Monkey

A Chap In Edinburgh

Having stumbled across the BBC's coverage of the Chap Olympics in London last week, I picked up a copy of the magazine (The Chap, committed to the fight for Global Chapitalism, and including useful articles on topics like "Giving Jerry the Slip" and "The Semiotics of Neckwear"), and joined in the frivolities at their online version of the Drones, the Sheridan.  By way of introducing myself, I posted to the directory of useful locations, as Edinburgh was only lightly represented.  I reproduce that article here, feeling that others may benefit from it.  Noblesse oblige, old bean.

After Mr Johnson's taut and well-argued exposition of the sartorial high-points of Edinburgh, there seems little more to add to the topic.

If, however, I might suggest a few establishments that have been known to come in handy when a chap wakes up of a morning under a motorcar, his chums strewn to the four winds and he himself lacking one or two items of dress without which the doorman at the New Club will turn a gimlet &c. upon him:

Jenners, Princes Street - Sadly acquired by a national company, but still an emporium of impressive diversity and functional usefulness.

Stirlingshire Saddlery - A misleading name, given that it is now in Wallyford, Musselburgh, and sadly no longer with a branch in the West End.  Still useful, whether one needs a riding crop for horse, servants, or a particularly game mistress.

Crombie - George Street - A Crombie coat is quite de rigeur during Edinburgh's winter months.

Hamilton & Inches, George Street - As far as I know, the only jeweller in Scotland.  I have heard rumours ofother, but they all turned out to be some sort of tawdry vendor of quotidian gew-gaws and bawbles.

Pinks, North Castle Street - If threatening and demanding letters from irate tailors seeking payment for one's late grandfather's best worsted have driven you far from Jermyn Street, here you will find some solace in your Caledonian hiding-place.

Stewart Christie & Co., Queen Street - Bespoke tailors and country outfitters.  Be sure to place one's orders for new tweed well in advance of the Glorious 12th, when there is something of a backlog.

The Cumberland Bar, Cumberland Street - My own watering-hole of choice.  Divided into numerous snugs and cubby-holes, with a fire in the winter months, and a delightful beer-garden from where one can make quick work of the monthly remittance from the ancient and beloved pater, this is, nonetheless a resolutely ugly bar, which keeps away the worst of Mr Thomas Cook's customers.

Robert Graham, Esq., Rose Street - Tobacconist.  Edinburgh has its share of such outlets, each of which will sell a fine pouch of snuff or refuel the old Briar, but RG's is best when one seeks a fine cigarillo with which to celebrate the end of a particularly fine meal  

The Howard, Great King Street - When one has the pleasure of spending an afternoon in the company of a lady, the Howard does a particularly fine afternoon tea.  Blessed with only two tables, far superior to the Balmoral.  Be sure to ask for the central table, the chaises longues of which are sufficient to allow one's companion's great aunt to perform her chaperonely duties in comfort.

The Black Bull, Picardy Place - Of an evening, one occasionally requires a special addition to one's tobacco in order to impress the young bucks of the Hellfire Club.  A little time spent at the Black Bull will procure anything that can be smoked, ingested, or ground into a fine paste and smeared directly into the corners of the eyes (a filthy habit I picked up in Constantinople).

N.B. - The true Edinburgh resident crosses St Andrew's Square in order to avoid the premises of a certain arriviste calling himself Harvey Nicholson, or some such moniker.

I hope that this will help.  I weep for the young pup, turned down by Oxford in place of some chimney-sweep's scamp from Salford Grammar, and  sent to Edinburgh by a family who, on the basis of better drowned than duffers, have not given him so much as a well-informed gentleman's gentleman for guidance.