For the past two and a half months I have been nursing a terrible, shameful and guilty secret. In times gone by, I would have acted in true British fashion: suppressed the truth, maintanied a brave face, and sublimated the nervous energies generated thereby into some sort of hobby: running a boy scout troop, for instance, or hacking up pensioners.
But we're all Americans now. So I must confess to all and sundry (although I admit that the fullest of extent of all and sundry was only 28 people when I last wrote this blog): for the last 10 weeks I have been dabbling in a tawdry passtime: Big Brother.
I'm not about to defend it: no, seriously. I don't feel I have to, since I can barely stand for it to be on in the same room as me, and when Nicole sits down to watch it at 9, I am often driven from the room in frustration at the sheer repulsiveness of most of the people involved. All I need to hear is a Geordie voice saying "Day thoorty-sevun. It's 12:28, and Makoosi, Youjeen, Ant'uny, Cree-auge and Science are in the bedroom. The rest u' the houseme-ates ur in the gard'n" and I feel the urge to be somewhere else.
And if any of you watch Big Brother Live, you are very stupid. End of story.
But my inability to actually watch it on a day-to-day basis is utterly unrelated to my intense interest. I read the website every day. I watch the eviction shows, and have even had Nicole record them for me when I have been out on a Friday night. I like seeing good things reward the few likeable individuals (such as Eugene and... erm...). I adore seeing horrible things happen to the unpleasant individuals, amongst whose ranks Makosi and Craig reign supreme.
I have firm, well-informed opinions: I love that Craig was voted off before even Kinga. That will rankle with him for the rest of his shallow, closeted life. I would pay to see Kemal gradually run over by a steamroller.
I find the balance of individuals interesting. After several bland series of tedious personalities and stupid people the producers wisely chose a variety of very smart and/or cunning people. There were plenty of extroverts among them, and very few non-alphas to glue the group together. The result was conflict, of course, with shifting webs of allegiance throwing up short-lived sub-groups based - explicitly - on race, sexuality and age.
But I am very unhappy with myself for liking it. Even without the hour-long shows that I avoid, it is still a terrible waste of time. I could spend the wasted hours writing, or reading, or running, or a variety of other virtuous activities. I tend, quite intentionally, to assess my pastimes on Platonic grounds of virtue and arete, and in those terms it is very hard to justify watching something that may actually rank below Eastenders. It also annoys me since it reminds me of my suspicion that I am only two accidentally-watched episodes away from being addicted to some sort of soap opera.
Plus, it makes me feel slightly guilty every time I taunt Gary about his tendency to watch the O.C., and similar... umm... Whatever a non-perjorative term for that sort of thing is.