Zombie Pirate Ninja Monkey

Performance Appraisals and other Weaselry

Oh joy: the time of the year when performance reviews and appraisals come round.

I hate this stuff.  I don't hate it through fear: I'm good at what I do, and I've not punched a single person this year*, so I'm pretty sanguine about the process vis-a-vis myself.  Of course, I am aware that, in an attempt to moderate my salary demands, the company will try to come up with some spurious complaint ("You've been eating too much cheese this year, Keith.  Eating excessive cheese is just picking the pocket of the company as a whole").  But, basically, I've launched products that work first time, on budget and on time.  With me, you can have all three.

What I hate is the paperwork, the negotiation, the "justify your existence" stuff, and most of all the third-party, "grass on your mates" review process.

I have worked for an awful lot of companies in my time.  Being a contract-developer does that to you.  And what I have discovered is that, while sales and marketing have bad reputations amongst techies, the only people who actually make your life more miserable as an employee are the human resources lot.  Now my aunt is a personnel director, so I should point out that I have met lovely H.R. people in my time, and worked in companies where they were essentially non-malign.  Some of my best friends, you might say, work in H.R.  But everybody I know shivers with fear when they see a general-circulation memo from Human Resources pop into their inbox.

So now I have to do 3rd party reviews for four people.  The process is rather like a trial for witchcraft.  If I fail to denounce them properly (ie if I am uncritical) then I am not "engaging fully in the review process".  Of course, "engaging fully in the review process" is one of my official targets for the year, and if I fail to do so then my assessment grading - and therefore bonuses - for the year may be lower.  Not least since the people that set up the review process in all its weaselly glory (HR) are the people who decide on the allocation of bonuses.

My solution?  Don't care.  Last year I broke the rules and sent everyone I did reviews for a copy of the document.  "Never say anything about someone you wouldn't say to their face" isn't a bad rule to try and stick to.  Yes, I was told off for it, on the unspoken grounds that this lets them prepare a defence.  See, again, under "don't care".  My colleagues tend to be my friends, and I'm not going to give them any advice they need through the proxy of a vengeful H.R. department.  Those who I work with who I feel deserve to be fired are aware of my opinion and will not ask me to do reviews for them.  I wish they would, though.  I'd even send them a copy.

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*Not in work.  On the rugby pitch, I'm afraid, is a very different matter.