posted on Monday, August 22, 2005 2:52 PM
by
Endie
Terrible Albums
The worst albums I have ever bought. No particular reason. No particular order.
Murder Inc, Murder Inc.
You wouldn't believe me if I told you how unlistenable this was. A spin-off of Killing Joke, they had an Adam and the Ants-style two drummer setup. This usually means that the band have a couple of mates and don't want to let either down for a gig.
Anyway, the two drummers were not the problem. It was the fact that Murder Inc. had a pub karaoke singer. It pains me to admit this, but he was Scottish, and he sang in that Glaswegian, Frank-Sinatra-meets-Billy-Connolly style, where most words sound like "herry-haaaaw'.
Of course, Murder Inc. had, on the album Murder Inc., one good song: the single (you guessed it) Murder Inc. This lured in the punters with the cunning ruse of having the lead singer do a spoken-voice job on the lyrics. Sneaky.
I returned this album to Virgin, claiming that my (non-existent) brother had bought me it as a birthday present, so I had two copies. The person behind the counter, clearly aware of the album, looked sceptical, but had pity and did the exchange.
Tori Amos, Boys For Pele
"Hello, Mr. Zebra, can I have your sweater?"
On a Travolta rating scale, this album was the Battlefield Earth to "Under the Pink"'s Pulp Fiction. Like Battlefield Earth, it was typical gifted-artist-takes-control-and-proves-need-for-strong-producers stuff. It needed someone to say "Tori: this is pretentious, self-indulgent nonsense. Stop it." The same voice of sanity should also have taken Ms Amos aside and pointed out that a picture of her suckling a pig was going to put off the crossover male audience who liked her for her legs-akimbo, sideways, piano-playing posture.
I make an exception for "Professional Widow", especially once Armand van Helden got hold of it. And "Not the Red Baron" has its moments. But this album has eighteen tracks, and most of the other sixteen were as enjoyable as eating potting compost. I actually snapped this CD rather than ever feel tempted to listen to it again.
Ministry, Work for Love
If you're aware of Ministry and their mighty works, but haven't heard this album, then you'll think I'm taking the mickey. It's an easy-listening, electro-synth pop number that would sounds more like Haircut 100 than you would believe. I thought track one was going to burst into guitars and samples at any point, but it didn't. It paused, etased, then continued with backing singers that sounded like Bananarama. "Much kudos", I thought, "for keeping a straight face throughout that one." But the next track was, if anything, cheesier.
Just think, if the the record company (Black Box or Waxtrax, I imagine: I forget) had done the right thing and dropped them there and then, Ministry would be miming PA spots in gay clubs to this day with Sonia and the Human League.
Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit
Nah, just kidding.
Babylon Zoo, The Boy With the X-Ray Eyes
Oh, I know, you shouldn't ever buy music from a jeans advert. But *everyone* was talking about this track ("Spaceman"), as soon as it aired. The sales for Jas Mann's album rocketed. And then everyone discovered that the advert sounded like less than one minute of the forty-five or so that made up the album. The rest of the record was, with the exception of the title track, rank poop. And that includes the trudging bulk of the Spaceman single itself.
And the lyrics. Oh, the lyrics. Even Duran Duran would have choked at lines like:
"Electronic information, television takes control,there's a fire between us,but where is your god?"
Umm, he's over there. Why, exactly?
Incidentally, this was a classic example of the Titanic syndrome: when people said "even God himself could not sink the Titanic", I picture the Big Fella idly flicking an iceberg southwards towards the Grand Banks. When Wendy James of Transvision Vamp claimed that an Oscar awaited her, her future career as secretary was determined. And When Jas Mann said that he would be bigger than the Beatles, his pop career was already over.